Grouping this together to reflect on what has happened since being back.

By luck or by fate, my grandma passed exactly a month after I returned to the country.

My grandma was the matriarch of our family for as long as I can remember. An active member of her community, she was fiercely independent, with equal emphasis on fierce and independent. It is a jarring feeling to say goodbye to someone you’ve known all your life. I’m grateful to have had the time to visit in the weeks leading up to it.

I started my job search process in December.

There is something uniquely degrading about job searching today. You are essentially putting yourself out there to gain approval from others. Rejections in the job market feel like more than a simple rejection, it feels like a signal that you are longer of us to the market and this society. I submitted about 50 applications, and the one I eventually got an offer for was my 30th application. I am thankful to have wrapped up the job search process in about 3 months, and that the interviewers and interactions with HR that I had felt pretty respectful and human.

I realise that the exciting experiences and all the good things I felt didn’t necessarily correct the underlying issues that I had with work.

As soon as I started applying for jobs, all the worries, concerns and frustrations came back. I needed a separate period of time to deal with all these underlying issues, aside from the exciting growth in other areas that I had previously pursued with other areas.

How do I keep the learnings and takeaways that I had over the past year?

Already I feel myself shifting towards an unhealthier lifestyle. Amidst all this I am trying to remove the life that I want to life, and to build space for the version of myself that will make me proud.